Letting Go, by Gary Meltzer
The Buddha’s first noble truth reminds us that there will be unsatisfactoriness or suffering in our daily lives due to the fact that we have been given this human incarnation and this vulnerable human body which will get hurt, get sick, get old, and at some point will die. The simple fact of our impermanent nature and the impermanent nature of everyone else we know and love, as well as everything else in existence provides the perfect conditions for suffering to occur. We cannot hold on to anything.
Even the simplest investigation of a flower, or a sunset, or a pleasant experience will reveal that nothing is fixed or solid, nothing is unchangeable or permanent, and nothing lasts. But, that’s not how it appears, that’s not how it often feels. When we look in the mirror each morning and recognize ourselves; we have this strong sense of a distinct, solid, separate self with features and characteristics that we call “me” and a mind that seems ageless. Even if we completely understand and accept the fact of our impermanent nature it doesn’t feel that way…does it? When we walk downstairs and see an old photo of ourselves on the dresser….. we look young and vibrant, with hair that is full and brown….not white, with skin that’s not drooping and is free from wrinkles….it does not change how we feel now or the experience of this present moment. We can see graphically that we have aged, but our mind does not feel it. Even though there may a cognitive recognition of this basic truth, somehow it just doesn’t feel that way. This is how we create the illusion of self and permanence. It’s not a failure or a mistake it’s just how things appear.
Even though our illusions are the source of future suffering, they are workable….that’s why we study the teachings, that’s why we do the practices. Suffering is usually associated with ignorance. Were on a collision course with death, it just might be helpful to do some homework.
So here we are in these decaying bodies in a world of shared suffering. The external world is plagued by unimaginable suffering due to wars, violence, disease, hunger, natural disasters, and human greed and ignorance. And we are expected to flow easily in this great river of sadness and somehow rise above this tide of pain and suffering that surrounds us. This may be easier said than done. Many may not have the tools or support to weather the storm and may be sinking or spiraling down into an experience of alienation, depression, helplessness, worthlessness, and hopelessness. Sadly these human conditions are becoming all too prevalent in our society today as it becomes more and more difficult to meet the demands placed upon us. Programs to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. are popping up all over the place. Therapist’s offices are busy and the pharmaceutical businesses are booming. Our brothers and sisters, our parents, our children, and our society are in trouble. Where is the help gonna come from?
Yes, programs, doctors, therapists, spiritual directors, and wise elders have an important role to play to help those whose lives and coping mechanisms have been stretched to their limits. We need all the help and support we can get. But, what about us? I must confess I have heard the call to action and as a mature being (meaning a 65 year old), I have pursued a deepening education and understanding of the human brain and the factors that that lead to suffering. See, we have this human body which has all these functions, feelings, emotions, and responses…..I thought it just might be helpful to explore some of the research into why we think what we think, why we do what we do, and to have some understanding of the mechanisms that are behind it.
Now, I am not suggesting that everyone follow this path, this is an individual choice and we must all follow our own inner sense of purpose. I am not a trained therapist and my conclusions are to be tested but, I can share an understanding which I have distilled from the research I have studied. Basic brain science identifies one of our most basic needs as “attachment.” Our need for nurturing love, acceptance, and belonging. A simple understanding of mammals or specifically humans shows we would not survive very long without the nurturing care of our birth mothers, or a surrogate (if the mother dies or if the child must be taken away for some reason). We are helpless at birth and would die….period! We need this immediate attachment and care and as we grow and develop we also develop the ability to be independent and to fend for ourselves. But we never lose this basic need for attachment, this need to be loved, to be valued, to belong, to have purpose and meaning to our lives. In the absence of this we die…..maybe not right away like a baby, but in a “soul” sense.
We all have needs. When our inner being gets overwhelmed and wounded we need a way of unloading the pain. What research has discovered is that the simple act of acknowledging our pain, writing it out or speaking it, allows for some transformation or release. This is where highly trained psychologists and therapists can be of great value. They understand the importance of non-judgemental deep listening. They (the good ones) remain present, they bear witness, they allow the pain and suffering to have a space to rest, a spot to put it down and let it go.
This is where we come in. No, we are not all trained professionals, but we are all humans. We all have the ability for creating a compassionate presence. If we do so skillfully and lovingly and mindfully…in that moment we are no different from the therapist. If we are on a bus or in our group or in our living room, the ability to listen deeply and non-judgmentally….to not try to fix or change another, but to just be present, bear witness to the pain, to love and support someone who is hurting is huge. It allows them to release and let go of this burden of carrying this pain by all by themselves. You become their partner and in silence you are saying, it’s OK, it’s workable, we’ll get through this, let me help you, we can do this together. This is the container that allows healing to occur.